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joke for you

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1 joke for you on Mon Jan 18, 2010 3:07 pm

Deank

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A Sunday School teacher was telling the class about how Lot's wife looked back at the city while they were fleeing its destruction, even though God had forbidden her to. She then turned into a pillar of salt.
A little boy interrupted her and said, "My mommy looked back one time while she was driving the car and she turned into a street lamp."


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2 Re: joke for you on Mon Jan 18, 2010 3:17 pm

Bartron

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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The
hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun
surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next
stop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can
tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says
that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday
evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you
went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you
are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the
cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun
showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from
hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them
BUT ... first you must have sex with me.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because
she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with
the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and
shouts "Ha, Ha, Ha! I'm the hippie!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha, Ha, Ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

3 Re: joke for you on Mon Jan 18, 2010 3:22 pm

Deank

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heheheh... that is way better then the one where the nun is a guy on the way to a costume party.


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Why do we call them fingers if no one has ever seen them fing?

4 Re: joke for you on Thu Jan 21, 2010 11:37 am

Guest

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MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They're such a$$holes ...

5 Re: joke for you on Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:40 pm

LivingDead

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How come Barbie never got pregnant?


Because


Ken came in a different box Wink


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6 Re: joke for you on Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:23 pm

Guest

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Got a kick out of these............
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My favorite.
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.... We've already notified our caterers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

7 Re: joke for you on Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:36 pm

grumpy old man

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That's better.


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It's their, they're and there; in Canada it's colour, cheque, rumour and zed...

8 Re: joke for you on Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:38 pm

Guest

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Guest
Lol....ya...I had a heck of a time there....Smile

9 Re: joke for you on Thu Feb 04, 2010 1:41 pm

Guest

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Guest
Finally - - An answer I can Understand.


A tourist asks a Newfoundlander:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Newfoundlander Replies:


"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f**in’ boat."

10 Re: joke for you on Sat Feb 06, 2010 6:10 pm

GGF

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PETA

P
...People
E...Encouraged
T...To
A...Assault

"You s(t)eal I Club you back"...GGF

11 Re: joke for you on Sat Feb 06, 2010 6:23 pm

Freeman

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GGF wrote:PETA

P
...People
E...Encouraged
T...To
A...Assault

"You s(t)eal I Club you back"...GGF


This thread is for jokes only.


Ohh, wait, GGF is the joke.

12 Re: joke for you on Sat Feb 06, 2010 6:42 pm

GGF

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GGF wrote:PETA

P
...People
E...Encouraged
T...To
A...Assault

"You s(t)eal I Club you back"...GGF



This thread is for jokes only.


Take that Freeman for s(t)eal from GGF

13 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:20 pm

GGF

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Here's the newest "PETA" slogan/joke...

P...People
E...Encouraging
T...Traffic
A...Accidents

http://www.winnipegsun.com/news/canada/2010/03/24/13343421.html

14 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:24 pm

Deank

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check out the soon to be divorced guy in the 4th pic...


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Why do we call them fingers if no one has ever seen them fing?

15 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:26 pm

SMW

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I thought it was:

People
Eating
Tasty
Animals
!


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16 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:34 pm

Deank

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contributor eminence
GGF wrote:Here's the newest "PETA" slogan/joke...

P...People
E...Encouraging
T...Traffic
A...Accidents

[url=http://www.winnipegsun.com/news/canada/2010/03/24/13343421.html
http://www.winnipegsun.com/news/canada/2010/03/24/13343421.html[/quote[/url]]

tsk tsk tsk.. the girl on the left is where Nylons. Everyone knows that Nylons are made from the intestines of young river Nyls. And can only be harvest properly if you reach in the mouth of the still living creature and pull its intestines out while at the same time choking it.


_________________
Why do we call them fingers if no one has ever seen them fing?

17 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:39 pm

GGF

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Deank you said:

tsk tsk tsk.. the girl on the left is where Nylons. Everyone knows that Nylons are made from the intestines of young river Nyls. And can only be harvest properly if you reach in the mouth of the still living creature and pull its intestines out while at the same time choking it.

Yeah!...I just love poking at PETA cause they are such a joke/hypocritical organization and for me LOL!...GGF

18 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:48 pm

AGEsAces

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In 2nd pic, there's some guy going through their bags behind them.

And they look like they are wearing leather shoes!!!

What HYPOCRITES!!!

http://www.photage.ca

19 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:51 pm

GGF

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AcesAces you said:

In 2nd pic, there's some guy going through their bags behind them.

And they look like they are wearing leather shoes!!!

What HYPOCRITES!!!

Exactly Aces...and...

And on the bright side this might be a step up or down from the pie throwing (assaulting others) crap...GGF

20 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:53 pm

grumpy old man

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These are lovely, and obviously very intelligent women. Why are you being so hard on them?


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Yes, I really am that Grumpy...

It's their, they're and there; in Canada it's colour, cheque, rumour and zed...

21 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:59 pm

Deank

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I was hard on them at one time. Now... not so much but give me a few minutes


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Why do we call them fingers if no one has ever seen them fing?

22 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:59 pm

GGF

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GOM you said:

These are lovely, and obviously very intelligent women. Why are you being so hard on them?

Cause there costing us extra in insurance costs as a result of being...

P...People
E...Encouraging
T...Traffic
A...Accidents

And because some peeps can't properly drive a vehicle to start with without all the "extra" lovely distractions around them while they try and drive...GGF

23 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 5:02 pm

Deank

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say you know what.
IF someone did have an accident whilst they were doing this, they could be sued. normally, since women being topless in Canada is legal, they would not be able to be sued. BUT since they are on purpose dressing this way JUST to get people to notice them, they could in fact be subject to a lawsuit


time to head to Ottawa to test my theory.


_________________
Why do we call them fingers if no one has ever seen them fing?

24 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 5:05 pm

AGEsAces

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Good thing the women aren't in Iceland Wink

http://www.photage.ca

25 Re: joke for you on Wed Mar 24, 2010 5:06 pm

SMW

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Deank wrote:time to head to Ottawa to test my theory.

Good Lord! You're not going to walk around topless are you?!


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